Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
