If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
