Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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