I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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