Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious