remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
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Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
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Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.