Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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