just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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