I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
