I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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