Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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