My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
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