Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
