She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Randomize
