I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
