theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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