My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
