i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
