I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
