The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Sext me about skeletons
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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