I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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