you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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