So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Randomize
