the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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