So drunk its hurt
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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