New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
