I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
