I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
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