she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
