after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
