OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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