oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
