Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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