OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize