So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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