; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
my liver is dry heaving
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
