I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
