I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
