WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
