my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
