if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
