If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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