We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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