even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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