it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
