hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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