He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
