Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
