Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
