Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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