I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You're a waste of cheezeits
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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