the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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