Can i not drive my cunt home
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
