Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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