I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
